It's so hard at times to use words as a form of communicating emotion because they fail, they don't come close, and when it comes to you it would take many a million to write down because there are never enough ways to say exactly how my heart beats for you. This letter, won't come close, but it's a start...it's a snapshot of my heart.
I haven't been the same since the moment that you came into my life. Your face alone makes me long to be a better person. Your eyes so full of wonder leaves me grasping for the next moment, the future. When I look at you I see endless potential and all that awaits you. What will you be, who will you become, how will you look even tomorrow. You change everyday, you grow, you get bigger, you learn, you grow smarter; and as sad and heart wrenching as that is, it leaves me ever so more excited. I have this feeling that soon enough photographs aren't going to be a friend of mine, because as much as I love them and all that they do, they capture change and sometimes that's hard to stomach, for a Mom anyway. I look around on the walls, and because I cannot make myself take town pictures from the past, I see a baby and as I continue to scan, that same baby is no longer there. A "boy" has took his place. A boy so full of life and joy- and it is my prayer that you never loose your zest and excitement, your hope, your happiness, your innocence and that force that drives you to do better, be better, that force inside of you, that moves you.
Moments...there are moments that you take my breath away. I wish that I could pick them out of the air and place them in a spot for safe keeping so that I could hold onto that piece of your life forever. To periodically take them out one by one and relive them. That smile of yours, that laugh, the giggle, the funny little things you do, the times when you seem so wise beyond your years, the hugs, the sweet sweet kisses. The way you have to tell everything in the house goodnight before going to sleep. The way you spin in circles until you fall from being dizzy and you find it so funny that you laugh out loud...that laugh that is music to my ears. The way you look at me right before you do something you know you aren't supposed to do- that sheepish grin on your face that looms all the way up to your devious eyes- God, I love it. The moment right before you open a new car, the little squill that bursts thru the room along with the little march you do while covering your mouth because your excitement can't be contained. The way you run to the door when you hear daddy get home, trying to so hard to get it open to run out and meet him. At night when you "can't sleep," when you make daddy drag himself into your room, pick you up and bring you into the big bed- the smile that crosses your face with eyes closed so tightly, in that moment you know you've won (and thats ok by me).The way you love a challenge and even though your temper at times gets the best of you, all you have to do is breathe, start again- and guess what...you master it- everytime...you have such determination. When you give love so unexpectedly. They are all, every single one stored away in my hearts heart. I don't want to forget, I don't want to loose all the tiny details of everyday, but I don't want to hold too tightly that I don't see what is happening new, everday. I look at you and everyday my heart explodes (it's a good thing, I promise)... I can spend a whole day doing absolutely nothing but watching you, learning from you, seeing the world thru an "up and comer." I take such delight in being your Mom. Life is hard, responsibilities are hard, making the right decision is hard...loving you without end- not so hard. You make that part of everyday so easy. In a world of chaos you are still. Bad day?!? No way...not while you are around. You chase them away with a little dash of smiles and little dollop of giggles.
They say that being a parent is hard, and I get that- I get that the mind blowing responsibility of holding someone else's future, their life in the palm of your hand can be quiet nerve racking. When I became your Mom- I took on another roll, that of what some would like to call a "superhero or supermom"- I knew in that moment that there would be many a "bad (fill in the blank)" that I would have to conquer- and you gave me the courage that I needed to believe that I could do just that. When circumstances arise, situations get a little tough for me, I look at you and (being the SUPERhero that you are)...you save me, you come to my rescue, you remind me. You are bigger than the biggest baddest ugliest monster that life could throw my way, you are ALWAYS bigger. In knowing that- it makes everything else so small. With you by my side, I can do anything.There is nothing in this whole world, to me that is bigger than you- you are larger than life, kiddo- you truly truly are.
I want to be the BEST Mom in the whole world to you- no cliche'. I want to be who I am and be good at it. I want to be your friend- but always your Mom first. I wont always know whats best, even though I pretend to, I wont always know what lies ahead, I wont always know the reason, I wont always do the right thing or say the right words. I can't promise that you wont have to wheel me down the isle on your wedding day- because giving you away, trusting that someone will ever love you as much as I do is beyond anything I can conceive. I don't know all the answers, and I don't have everything figured out. I can't promise that you wont ever be disappointed in me or something that I may or may not do. What I do know and can promise is that I will always be here for you, listen and hear you, be true and loyal, honest and trustworthy. I will practice everyday at perfecting the art of being your Mom. I promise that I will kiss every wound to make it better and hug you till your eyes pop. I will laugh at all your jokes, encourage you to pretend, cheer you on as you triumph and cry with you when tears are the only thing that comes. I will sit with you and recollect every moment of your past. I helped you learn to walk and I will help you learn to stand when life buckles you at your knees. I will be your forever friend. I know you will do great things, I know you will make your dreams come true. I know you will be an amazing man! I know there will be times where you will be slinging some dirty words in your mind towards me (yea, we all do it), but that's ok- I probably deserve it. I know that I am so proud of you and I will remind you of that every chance I get. I know that I will love you more than your mind can even comprehend- until the day you hold your own. I will always love you way down deep and all the way up...forever and for always, to the moon and back, as big as elephants shoes, everyday more and more...I will love you until the end, you can count on that.
It is such an honor to know you and to know that I hold your past, present and future. You are truly the most spectacular person I have ever met, you are perfect in everyway...you are my heart.
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