WARNING: RAMBLING DOES OCCUR
quiet often the thought, “where is life taking me...us?!?” crosses my mind. when I say often, more specifically I mean like at least every two minutes. I am a ‘confessed control freak’ and for those that are like me will understand that the unknown is at times bit much to handle- especially on the days when my ‘control-ism’ has kicked it up a notch. there are those days, usually when the weather is a little gloomy and the times where I have a LOT of time to think, it’s on those days that I want to tuck my head and hide in my shell, I want to hibernate- due to fear…the fear of the unknown, hey, I’m just being honest. in addition to being a bit of a control freak, I also worry (what an amazing list of characteristics I have going for myself, huh?!?) It’s a constant worry that I’m not doing enough, that I’m not living up to my potential, I worry how to get there, what to do, how to accomplish, how do I become a better more fancier model/version of the me that I am- causing me to hyperventilate upon the recent headline “newsflash- seriously, Crystal, you have NO control over anything!!” that followed closely with a “WTH!!!” Here I have, day in a day out thought that I was at least in control of the here and now, the life at present- obviously, I was wrong!!! I am in no way in control (*tear), today was yesterday’s future...you know, the one that I was just a minute ago freaking out about, trying to configure a way-searching for "how to guide" a "tutorial" anything instructing me how to step out of my body, sit above my life on a queen like pedestal and move things around like pawns or building blocks to create what I believe is the perfect tomorrow for today. When I was able to catch my breath and take a moment to JUST BREATHE (still a learning process)- I began to talk to myself (no I am NOT crazy!) reassuring myself that my life was being taken care of, that it was predetermined long before I even took that first breath of life. that I cannot, under any circumstances buy my way a little sneak peek of tomorrow because it just doesn’t work that way. I must learn how to live in the today that I have been given. Obviously, we aren’t promised tomorrow- at least once a day we read or hear something that recites that revelation to us (enough, already, right?!?! I want to be guaranteed tomorrow lol. yes, my mind IS in fact a vicious cycle). Time is fleeting and more than anything I don’t want to waste this minute worrying about the next 24 hours. with all of that craziness that is me being said- I cannot fail to mention that I find life exciting, exhilarating and BEYOND amazing, I eagerly await each new day to see what it has awaiting me, there isn't a moment that I am not utterly thankful for. I am learning to be free, God, how I want it with every fiber of my being. Even though I don’t know what it is that I will be doing, where I will be, WHO I will be a year from now the only thing that I know is that today I can do all that I love in hopes that it is preparing me for my tomorrows. I can do this, I know that I can- a challenge?!? yes, but you know this girl lu-huvs a good challenge and being that it is ever so important to me, I have that determination in place and set, mission will be accomplished.
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